I’m not ready to say good bye to another animal already. My cat is very sick and I had to rush her to the emergency room yesterday morning. Last year we lost 2 dogs and my dad. I’m not ready for more death.
My life has not been perfect but it has been pretty good the last few years. I met Kevin when I was 39. That is a long time to wait for love but I’m so glad we found each other. Things have been going well with some pretty bad bumps but always moving forward. I think I'm stalling because I am not ready to write these next words.
OK, here goes… in Dec I was diagnosed with a meningioma, aka a brain tumor. It's small and not really affecting me yet. However, I'm 46 and when my mom was 48 she died of a brain tumor the size of a baseball. Again, mine is more like a marble so I should feel blessed, right? Then why do I always feel like I'm on the edge of going insane. I want people who know to stop asking me how I'm doing. What do you think I'm going to say, the truth? Hell no, I suck it up and smile and say, "I'm great".
But guess what, I'm not great. I don't want you to feel my pain though. Seriously, I know there is nothing you can do to make me feel better so I don't want to drag you down with me. You are probably wondering what my next step is. I'm still waiting to here what it will be too.
I have 3 options according to my neuro surgeon. The good, the bad, and the ugly:
- Do Nothing
- Good: No immediate side effects
- Bad: Have annual MRI's and always wonder what's going on in my brain
- Ugly: It grows larger and treatment gets more invasive
- Good: Minimal side effects
- Bad: My face has to be clamped down for 30 min while laser beam is aimed at my head.
- Ugly: I could lose my sense of smell
- Good: It's gone for sure
- Bad: I will have a scar in my hairline.
- Ugly: I will lose my sense of smell
What does all this mean? It means I will be fine. The waiting is the hardest part. The surgeon recommended the radiation treatment and I said Yes. So that was January 4th. He said he had to present it to the panel and would get back to me. They meet every other Thursday and today is the 3rd Thursday. I am waiting eagerly by my cell in hopes that I receive a call saying we are good to go. Then a new form of waiting will take its place. I will need more MRI’s and to have that face mask made. Then actually schedule the radiation. That’s a lot of waiting. I keep looking at my calendar to see if there is a weekend I can just run away but there isn’t. I have to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Speaking of moving forward, tomorrow I’m supposed to take the Supervisor exam. You guessed it, I’m not ready.