I’m not ready to say
good bye to another animal already. My cat is very sick and I had to rush her
to the emergency room yesterday morning. Last year we lost 2 dogs and my dad. I’m
not ready for more death.
My life has not been perfect but it
has been pretty good the last few years. I met Kevin when I was 39. That
is a long time to wait for love but I’m so glad we found each other. Things
have been going well with some pretty bad bumps but always moving
forward. I think I'm stalling because I am not ready to write these next
words.
OK, here goes… in Dec I was diagnosed
with a meningioma, aka a brain tumor. It's small and not really affecting
me yet. However, I'm 46 and when my mom was 48 she died of a brain tumor the
size of a baseball. Again, mine is more like a marble so I should feel blessed,
right? Then why do I always feel like I'm on the edge of going insane.
I want people who know to stop asking me how I'm doing. What do you think I'm
going to say, the truth? Hell no, I suck it up and smile and say, "I'm
great".
But guess what, I'm not great. I
don't want you to feel my pain though. Seriously, I know there is nothing you
can do to make me feel better so I don't want to drag you down with me. You are probably wondering what my next step is. I'm still waiting to here what it will be too.
I have 3 options according to my
neuro surgeon. The good, the bad, and the ugly:
- Do Nothing
- Good: No immediate side effects
- Bad: Have annual MRI's and always wonder what's going
on in my brain
- Ugly: It grows larger and treatment gets more invasive
- Radiation
- Good: Minimal side effects
- Bad: My face has to be clamped down for 30 min while
laser beam is aimed at my head.
- Ugly: I could lose my sense of smell
- Craniotomy
- Good: It's gone for sure
- Bad: I will have a scar in my hairline.
- Ugly: I will lose my sense of smell
What does all this mean? It means I
will be fine. The waiting is the hardest part. The surgeon recommended the
radiation treatment and I said Yes. So that was January 4th. He said
he had to present it to the panel and would get back to me. They meet every
other Thursday and today is the 3rd Thursday. I am waiting eagerly
by my cell in hopes that I receive a call saying we are good to go. Then a new
form of waiting will take its place. I will need more MRI’s and to have that
face mask made. Then actually schedule the radiation. That’s a lot of waiting. I
keep looking at my calendar to see if there is a weekend I can just run away
but there isn’t. I have to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Speaking of moving forward, tomorrow I’m supposed to take the
Supervisor exam. You guessed it, I’m not ready.