Wednesday, April 27, 2011

**HOLY HUMOR**

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,

"I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly,

"It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'



..............



There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her

brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments, " answered the lady.

.............



"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"

And there are those who wake up in the morning and say,

"Good Lord, it' s morning."



.............



A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he

was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.



Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled

The block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."



When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with

this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a

ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."



..............



There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his

congregation: "I have good news and bad news.



The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building

program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."



...............



While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because

attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

...........



A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,

"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

.................



A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay.

It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business"



................



People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.



................



Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

................



The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation

to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a

substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.



"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to

think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.



"During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,

we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we

expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up"



At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Tiny Prints: Free Mothers Day Card is Back

Tiny Prints is offering up yet another free Mother’s Day card right now! I don’t know how long this one will last but I just made a card and the code worked perfectly for me!


This code is for Facebook fans, so you can just like Tiny Prints on Facebook and then follow these steps:

Select and customize your card. (Mother’s Day styles only)

Use promo code: MDGIFT at checkout.

If you send it to yourself the price is totally free. If it send it to Mom, you need to pay the price of a stamp ($.44).



Thursday, April 21, 2011

ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just p.... off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet….

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse .... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!